I am Unpopular

Hey there Underdog,

Speaking from my heart here.

(This actually started out as an email that turned blog).

I don’t plan these. The only plan I have is to sit down at some point and speak from my heart. To be real and truthful in the moment and moments of my life. The only intention I have is to move through some of my own fears and wounds. And in sharing my voice and stories with you, I hope those of you who need to, will open them and read them, and maybe even do some of your own exploration and healing.

Sometimes this wound that seems like it will never go away, and likely never will, consumes my mind, my heart and honestly I can feel it some days to the depth of my whole being and soul.

It seems like it creeps in out of no where at times. And I sob from a place that feels like great loss. I have been exploring it consciously for the better part of 3 years. I don’t exactly have a name for this wound. I can only describe what feelings arise and what thoughts come next.

My friend sent me a post on Facebook over the weekend. And last night I took the time to really read it. It began with this quote:

George Orwell once said: “The most terrible loneliness is not the kind that comes from being alone, but the kind that comes from being misunderstood.”

I replied to her after really digesting the entire post and what it means to me. I said to her “I read this again because I felt like it had something to do with how I have been feeling lately. And I think I understand more now why I always feel lonely the last 2 years. Actually really, I believe my whole life. I have memories in my body of when I was a kid and felt this way. I can’t tell you about these memories exactly, I just FEEL it. I feel the loneliness. I do not have a visual, but it is still a memory. Do you know what I mean?”

The reason I called this “I am Unpopular” is because I am these days. When I was young and in high school I would say I was in the popular group. It didn’t mean much to me though, and maybe I only was because I played a lot of sports. Funny enough, though, I still felt lonely around all my friends. And I often longed to hang out more with the underdogs or the so called unpopular kids and teens. Most times when a new kid came to class I wanted to befriend them and did because I felt for them. I sensed their fear and loneliness in the new world they were in.

I am certainly not in the popular group these days. I do not fit in. I am not often chosen 1st or at all. Not like on the playground for kickball back when I was standing on the grass in elementary school in Oxbow, Saskatchewan. Where I was chosen quickly and never last.

When I started my business in 2012 I was very popular. I worked a lot. Often 5 sessions a day. From then until 2020, I hosted retreats, Moon Circles, online classes, weekend group classes called Breakthrough to Your Life, Yoga classes, kids classes on crystals……. and LOVED every minute of it.

I loved it so much. I was learning and exploring and seeing so many peoples hearts and deep vulnerabilities. Those connections meant a lot to me. Still do. I miss those days a lot. I cry typing this thinking about it.

Something changed in 2020. Well you know what it was. I was told I could no longer see people in person, I could no longer put my hands on their hearts, or their abdomens or their brains. I could no longer hug them after they got up off my table after a energy healing session. I could no longer sit with them in ceremony and circles and support one another. I could no longer meet them in Hawaii for the retreats they signed up to go on with me. I could no longer listen to the music of their spoken truths unless it was on a screen or over the phone.

There was no more laying crystals on people or using the singing bowl or tuning forks around their feet and heads. They couldn’t smell the smudge I was using, they couldn’t feel the warmth of my hands and the tingles in their bodies as I touched their bellies.

There were no more embraces.

And I don’t even think I realized, until now, how much I am grieving those losses. Loosing that way of connecting in my business and the work that I do, changed something in me.

And it meant I had to begin to speak up publicly on line about who I was and what it is I really help people with. That was strange for me. But I began to do it, because I wanted to continue serving people in the ways that I do.

I can imagine a life without my work, but it isn’t one that I am meant to live.

I began the journey of the pivot to the screen in the late summer of 2020. It started out pretty great. Many of my in person clients joined me on the screen and over the air waves. We did breathwork sessions, I helped them with energy management. I taught them how to live a more aligned life by connecting them with their Human Design, and how if they saw themselves through that lens, it could change their life immensely. We talked about missing links to manifesting that people never teach and what it really meant to awaken in today’s world.

All this online work started teaching me things about myself too. I realized how much I was holding back in a lot of ways with my own voice. I was challenged a lot to speak up on videos on social media. It was uncomfortable. Very strange to me, and it felt forced in some ways.

I once thought I wasn’t confused about or scared about sharing what I do, but I was. And I often felt this fear about saying the wrong thing or being punished, or ridiculed or cast out in some way for who I am. (This is that unnamed wound I spoke of earlier).

In 2022 my worst fears came true. I began experiencing the ridicule publicly for just being me. One person took pleasure in making fun of me for talking about my connection to the Turtle as far as spirit animals go. Another person mocked me and said it was a joke that I called myself a spiritual teacher. Another said I practiced black magic. Another said I was irrelevant. I was even being accused of saying things I never said.

So there I was getting mocked and bullied for saying things I said from my heart and getting in trouble for saying things I never even said. The wound was very activated. YOU ARE WRONG for who you are and when are ARE HER you will be punished. And when you speak no one will hear you, so don’t bother.

I felt like I was being punished for just being myself.

And it started being really clear to me, I wasn’t safe being myself in the public online spaces. I felt very isolated and alone and the loneliness came at a much deeper level now. The wound was so deep.

You aren’t safe to share your true self with the world, because the world thinks you are wrong for who you are. The world can’t see you for who you really are, they only see what they want and even if they see something its a tiny piece of your essence.

I proceeded with A LOT of caution.

I became unpopular. I became lonelier. I felt terrified to be myself. I became invisible to many.

I don’t say this for sympathy, I say it as a truth of my own journey with this wound and the evolution of it and how it pertains to my personal and professional life. I say it, because I suspect you have some version of your own experience that resonates with mine.

I ached inside from no one truly seeing me. I longed to feel safe to speak publicly. I prayed for the day I wasn’t overlooked. I imagined the days where I could share without reservations. I still feel this way sometimes if I am being honest.

Right now I am unpopular.

I am definitely the seemingly unseen, and often the overlooked underdog in the spiritual spaces. It is ok. It isn’t easy on my ego, but it has shown me more of who I truly am, rather than getting lost in the popular fads. This is the season I am moving through and I have been able to find the gifts and lessons in the activated wounds from the events that have occurred since 2020.

I don’t perform in ways that are inauthentic to myself, I don’t use fancy language or unethical practices to gain clients and I still carry fear around being seen. And it is a huge thing I have had to work through. And I am okay with it most days. Some days I long for a flip in the script. Other days I remember, popular isn’t sacred truth.

I spoke with an astrology mentor of mine. And he reminded me that this wound is the wound of not being heard. For those of you into astrology, this is a Chiron Wound. Everyone’s is different.

He really put this into perspective for me.

You see, the Chiron wound allows one to become the teacher of the wound or the healer of the wound so to speak.

And he mentioned that if I never had this wound, I would never be able to HEAR people when they speak. I could never truly listen to what people share with me so vulnerably. And I would never be able to hear all the things people aren’t saying, but are feeling.

He said, “Imagine if you healed this wound, you would never hear people again the way you can now, you could never see people in ways that you can now, and you could never help them in the ways you so beautifully do. This wound is your gift.”

So be unpopular, be the underdog, don’t fit in. Make your own path. The path that is true to you. And when those wounds show up, cause they will, face them and grieve and hurt and learn and eventually notice the gifts you receive from them.

And hey….if you have some know it all telling you that you “just need to heal that wound” in order to ascend into the 5D and above, ignore them and trust yourself. We don’t do hierarchies, they are so 2020.

Loving You,

Paula

I see you, I hear you, I witness you. If you would like a healing session please Join Me Here.