The Gift of Darkness
Expect your heart to hurt when darkness penetrates you. This is a good thing….
The carpet felt rough and scratchy on my skin beneath me. The smell of dust was diving into my nose while simultaneously, I was unknowingly, shutting down my senses and what made me…me.
I just wanted this to go away. I wanted everything to go away. I didn’t want to feel this. The pain of the truth had penetrated one of my deepest wounds.
Inside I felt confused and helpless. No one was believing me and they definitely didn’t want to hear me talk about it. I wondered why they couldn’t see what I could see. And I wondered why I would even bother continuing in this relationship. I was being told things like, it’s not that bad and you just can’t let it get to you. I was being told just to take the abuse and lies and be quiet cause it “wasn’t that bad”.
I felt like I was saying the sun is hot and it burns your skin after too much exposure, and everyone was saying, no that isn’t true. It is not hot and it will never burn you, so just leave it, you're fine. Stop letting the sun burn you. Put your head in the sand and stop speaking the truth.
At 1st, I had a voice, I wanted to share my story and how I was healing and dealing with it and help others do the same, in doing so. I felt proud of myself and who I was. I had an expectation that, people would listen, see me, hear me, validate me and maybe even help me through the trauma.
I recall sitting there on the couch, opening up instagram, reading a comment and what followed was an intense wave of electricity pulsing through my body. Like I was zapped by a bolt of forceful lightning. I felt myself freeze into place right then and there. One little projected sentence, created a shockwave of trauma in my body. It dug up my worst fears, a massive wound I was carrying. My own darkness so to speak. And it sucked.
The story of that initial lightening bolt goes……
After some processing, I had shared an experience on social media that was about feeling anger due to someone saying hurtful things about me behind my back to someone very close to me.
In response to me saying I was feeling angry, about a shitty thing that was said about me, one woman wrote publicly: “Paula, you need to stop blaming people for your problems”. I felt shamed for both experiencing anger and sharing, what I KNEW, was very valid anger and hurt. Then the confusion set it. I froze, and began to shut down my voice in that moment. I literally couldn’t speak in that moment due to the shock.
I know now that I subconsciously made an even more dedicated vow to the belief I was carrying of - Better to stay quiet than to feel shame and betrayal.
A lot of people replied to her and defended me and the right to feelings, and that felt good, but I shrank even more that day. Was it true what she said?
As in, it was my fault? Was it, I thought? Do I deserve this? Have I brought this on? Am I a bad person? What am I doing wrong? I must be wrong, except….wait….someone said something awful about me. I really was trying to make sense of nonsense, and I was driving myself bonkers in the process. And I really was trying to find the learning for myself in this situation. I suspected that, the learning was to allow myself to feel anger when it was warranted, AND to allow myself to KNOW I had the ability to speak up for myself. It only made sense, since, I spent a lot of my life to that point suppressing anger, suppressing my voice and feeling scared to speak up in a mountain ways and situations.
Delusional, the person who wrote that, was delusional, I thought. I also thought, what a bitch for saying having anger was blaming people for my life. How can she not see what is going on here, she’s supposed to be an empowering woman?
Why am I not allowed to feel upset and stand up and respond to the fact that someone spoke very poorly about me? Am I really supposed to just shut up and not feel it, address it, learn from it or speak up for myself?
I felt punished for standing up for myself (and it wasn’t the 1st time). I shut down even more. I shrank more into dullness. I never wanted to feel that again. My loving warrior spirit shrank that day.
That moment took me right back to grade 7 when I stood up to a teacher. A part of me froze then too, thinking I had no voice, or that my voice shouldn’t be used for injustice, or my feelings. It is better to stay quiet than to feel shamed or get attacked.
I made it a mission to do a ton of self reflection. What was I taking personal, what was I projecting, was I blaming rather than owning or healing?
It was a total mind-F. I looked for a solution over and over and over. It felt hopeless most days. How can I love these people without experiencing this backlash I was getting for doing so?
So, I began to restrain from showing “too much love”. I thought, this will fix it, this is a good solution. I pulled back and became less of myself. I was distant and on the cold closed off side. That was far from the truth of who I really am. It didn’t fix it, not even close.
Back to the dusty scratchy carpet….
I grasped my hair in my hands and my fingernails entered into the tight and tense layer of my scalp. And I found my voice repeating over and over; this is making me feel insane. Am I insane? Why is everyone brushing this off, and telling me not to let this get to me, and that, it is, actually my fault, according to some.
I felt alone. Unseen, unheard and uncared for. I shut down even more. I got quieter. I just shut up and took the beatings so to speak. I backed off from love. I shrank deeper into being someone who didn’t show love to some of the people I loved the most. I was completely out of character. I was forcing myself to shut down my true self.
I tried to not let it get to me, since this is what I was “told” I should be doing. I tried so hard. I failed in the silence of my thoughts, and the tightness of my heart. And in the inauthenticity of my behaviours.
I recall punishing myself for not measuring up to the expectations, standards and “shoulds” that I was hearing from the people around me, and now my own thoughts were after me too. Why wasn’t I doing better, being better, not letting these constant things being said about me bother and hurt me? Am I too sensitive? Am I over-reacting? Am I just simply wrong? I no longer trusted myself. I lost faith, I lost friends, I lost clients and business. And more importantly I lost my loving self and my voice. Or at least, I laid her down for awhile.
I decided, I was clearly crazy and better change. At least, that is what my mind was saying but my whole body and soul were saying otherwise. It was saying “something is really wrong here”. I was concerned. But I kept quiet, I was scared to lose the people I loved and who loved me. I was scared to lose more friends, more opportunities, and I was terrified to be bashed and lied about even more.
My whole being felt like it was dying.
Constant thoughts whirled in my mind.
Why can’t anyone see this for what it is? Why do I have to let this happen? Why does it seem like that, what I am going through and what is going on around me isn’t validated, but rather, brushed off as nothing? Or that it was up to me to make sure I don’t let this affect me, because it really isn’t that a big of a deal. “You’re letting them get to you” – fuck you is what I wanted to say to those poeple. I am sure I did say it to a few.
Shhhhhhh Paula don’t stand up for yourself, for if you do, the big bad wolf will burn your house down. This is NOT SAFE.
So, I decided to shut down even more. I went into full on hiding. I couldn’t take the let downs, the intense emotions and the confusion I felt.
It took years, and an another massive shock, and a lot of help from spiritual mentors, before I woke up to what I was doing to my psyche and soul. Here began the grieving of the betrayal of myself.
I knew I needed to gather myself back up and nurture her in a way I had never done before. This felt like the most overwhelming road and task. One I knew I had to take, or I would wither into a completely unrecognizable stranger. I couldn’t let that happen. But before I completed that task, another year brought me the worst of it. The darkest of it, the biggest electric shock of all.
And then…..This task, all of the sudden felt impossible. And even worse, now the whole world got to witness my fall. I had to make a choice and dig the deepest I ever had, into my own willpower to love myself, to choose myself and to face the darkest parts of myself. I was terrified of the pain and grief I knew was coming. I was terrified of how uncomfortable I knew it was going to get yet. BUT what I was more terrified of, was losing myself, my innocence, and the love that I knew was there (dormant and in hiding still). And strangely, I began to feel terrified of feeling the intensity of this LOVE. But something invisible held me, over and over again. And somewhere in that holding, I felt safe to pick myself back up and carry on.
IN REFLECTION I KNEW…The first stop was: A NEED FOR VALIDATION
This is something I have had to work through. The need for someone to validate my intuition, feelings, and the essence of my inner wisdom and warrior of love. My own wounds gripped to the notion that it wasn’t safe to be myself, and that I wasn’t capable of trusting myself that I could stand up for myself. I was unconsciously telling myself that it is better to wither away in silence, than “get in trouble”.
Somewhere in all those years, in all the chaos and abuse and lies; I was needing validation, I needed to be seen and heard. I wish that wasn’t true, that I needed validation, but I did. I, at least needed, someone to stand with me and to say “I agree, this isn’t right, something isn’t right here, I SEE YOU”.
What I KNEW was true and REAL, was being completely ignored and repeatedly described as not that bad or the people who matter know the truth. And my part in it, was a need for validation and someone to be “on my side”, so I didn’t have to stand up for myself alone. So I continually sought this out in friends and family.
The frustration I had with people who weren’t willing to see the truth for all those years, and worse, brush things off and under the rug, was very high. But I kept it in, kept it to myself, carried the pain and confusion alone. I decided to be the bigger person and keep quiet. And to focus on love while I hid.
I loved and I kept it all in. I ignored myself, to make sure everyone else was emotionally comfortable. I made extreme changes to my living situations and the way I interacted with my loved ones. I did this, to protect them, protect myself and to have some peace from my own internal confusion and to hopefully stay out of the line of fire I had found myself in.
I changed my life drastically to make sure everyone else felt safe, comfortable and didn’t have to feel or see the truth. I walked on glass every day, bleeding and making sure no one saw the blood. Because if I let them, I would be punished. I got quieter.
I watched from outside of my body. And I stayed frozen.
The odd time, I let a peep out here and there in private, with people I trusted. Sharing my concerns.
I didn’t want to speak up too much, because there would be consequences for others I cared for and for me too. There were always consequences.
Those things happened anyway. Even though, I shut up and went quiet, those things happened anyway.
Still…. I shut up, I shut down, I went quiet and I closed off my heart.
It brings tears to my eyes as I type this, thinking about all the people who have ever been told “it’s not that bad”, or you’re letting it get to you, and letting them win”.
Win what, exactly? This was always my question.
I WANT to say this.
Even in this, the darkest time of my life….
The reality this has created for me is LOVE. It is that simple.
And in a strange way, I am glad I had and have to face this vile darkness.
I have succeeded in love for myself, a focus on myself that has actually created healing in my heart and body.
Job well done darkness; your abusive ways have created a force of Love rather than another woman stuck in her victim story.
Your dark pleasures were the greatest gift of my life. I can see this now.
Darkness…... You win. Just not in the way you intended to.
You were the best dark gift I could have ever received, to help me realize who I truly am, and what matters to me.
Love. Integrity. Compassion. Family. Partnership.
Truth. Ethics. Morals. Respect. Humility.
Choice. Individuality. Critical thinking. Curiosity.
Tenderness. Softness. Vulnerability. Faith.
To all the people affected by darkness in some form. I see you. I hear you. Remember your hearts and your integrity and your intuition and your faith.
There are so many occasions in our lives, and different scenarios where we feel unheard, unseen, not validated and it can drive a person near nuts.
My advice is to focus on yourself.
Write. Kayak. Walk. Sing. Dance. Play with friends. Bake.
Go for a massage. Take up kick boxing.
Go on a scavenger hunt (I did, it was great for my healing!)
You will never be able to make sense of the evil and vile actions. Let the Creator makes sense of it. Let God Make sense of it.
What is it you need? Focus on that, focus on you, your heart and who you truly are.
And make sure to validate yourself and what you’re feeling and experiencing from time to time.
Cry. Grieve.
Feel Joy in those beautiful moments.
Share with the ones you trust.
Remember your voice matters. You will know when it is time to speak.
Loving You,
Paula